Feelings

So I have come to the sad side mine more faster than expected…. Sad I am yes, sad I am that I did not let people know how I felt about them, How much I cared for them and how much more did I deserve to be treated in a better way than I do!

Feelings are like an ocean or a sea, no matter how much you express it always seems way too less……

Worst feeling ever!

This is something none of you should go through, I really hope none on earth should, the moment you do it’s all doomed! It’s very tough to come out of it, it might be impossible I’m half way out of it and yes you got it right I’m only half way out, read the rest of my views on life and my situations you shall know how I do it!

So have you told the one whom you hate to your gutts as to why or how much do you care for that person? If not that hate is inappropriate reaction to the unlikely situation which you created by over thinking…..

Love might be the sweetest feeling on earth… It isn’t the best one though! Hate is, fear is, revenge is…! All are the dark sides of our human nature as they say, but if channelized they can be the best horses and certainly the winning one’s on the turf!

Turf called life having a million spectators, buzzing for every failure cheering for none as they spectators lose no matter you lose or win! You need to be on the turf, you need to be the jockey, you need to be the horse and make sure it’s your turf and you bet on yourself.

No one’s for anyone out there, all are out on themselves for themselves, if you think other wise you are making a mistake I am sure! All this while I on with the blinders trying to be there for everyone and thinking this focus will help me, take the blinders off and all you know it’s a dog fight even on the bloody lush green turf! There’s no true love there are no true feelings only thing true is truth and the truth is happiness is the ultimate goal! All want to be happier all are greedy and there you go the another dark side of ours….

They aren’t dark for me, if I have to survive through the wreck I am in and excel and be the one with potential and aim at the highest possible dreams, I need to get on….

I see the whole set of incidents as lashes of whip which might prove to be the reason for my win.

Only time will tell….

 

Surges

When have I actually referred to something as what the actually mean?

Are you in love?

She asks! Is my love so feeble that you have to ask if I do or do not? Or are you are so self obsessed that all you care about is if people care for you? You are the most selfish and self centered person I have seen, yet you manage to convince people that you are caring and the most caring person on earth!  The deepest of oceans are not as deep as the way you think and play around with people’s emotion!

You are addiction, it’s harmful yet can’t leave it; can’t have it!

The things between me and her are so fucking awkward and weird and are like the electrical surges they are smooth and all the things are in place working just fine….AND BAAAAAAM! Blows right in the face and everythings blows off…..she

How many minutes days or hours can you stay without electricity? No matter how it’s… abrupt direct, indirect and once in a while it surges and puts everything out of order we restore a fuse or two and it’s back.

I know we need surge protectors, in my case I feel it’s a time bomb which is ticking, which needs to be diffused. Sexual tension increases to an unbearable point I feel that sometimes! Where we just want to bare it all and just then we shall be set right! I do not have the balls to take a step towards it and I have no shame in accepting that!
As a third person’e perspective she has slept with at least more than two men that i know of! She should take a step as I am a newbie to this side of life, provided she is the one who is two timing she should know her level of guilts I do not want another guy suffering cos of my horniness. (cruel words? Well that’s how the third person sees it as, won’t consider my give ups,my decency,my tolerance and ….. thats how the world is and it’s the only place habitable sadly)

We act like we are here meant for each other for rest of the life, we are the perfect pieces of the puzzle called life and then suddenly we fee like killing each other!

What is this? Why is this? Every passing minute i hope what I have with you isn’t true love and true love is much more deeper sweeter and happier than this! Something beautiful….

Something so beautiful that I will not see around for “options” I’d be lying if I said physically attractiveness is the least of my botherations! they are the primary ones and added to it I would want someone who is true to me as I am to you and a little less manipulative someone who does not fake things…. OMG OMG OMG

I was writing or attempting to write a closure to this post but i had to cut in between cos i had over flow of description mainly against you bitch. Does this confirm I am not in love? I am looking for a sexual relationship? A fling perhaps? Friends with benefits?

I am not ashamed of any of the thoughts which i have put up there as I have been under your influence and all these thoughts and thinking process is inherited from you! I am the proud i have had you as a part of my life…. would be lying if I said happy few habits die hard and the ability to not lie wouldn’t die in me I hope……

I am in love with myself! I am self obsessed….

Materialism

Buying things from money you do not have……

Yes the famous quote we all know about it, think it over and over; until you are over and reach a point where you will disagree to it!  Crying isn’t comfortable at all, but if i were to cry i would prefer to cry in a mansion in an infinity pool facing a 3 acre garden with the rarities of the botany and the tropical birds! While a fleet of cars are lined up to be ripped onto an open road to heal the bleeding the heart! Oh yes! Surely none of us would want to sniff and sob in a broken 20 year old cot with the mattress sized zero and has no bounce left.

World is materialistic and so are you, it’s high time we all accept it. We are materialistic at different levels, if you are arab rich and are betrayed by another rich bastard you will look for a poor one who you are sure will never over power you to hurt you!

because you are rich!

I am totally for materialism, more so in past few months. I’ve always have had aims and ambitions in life!

Being happy wasn’t one, I have had realised we are in pursuit of happiness and I have made peace with that.

I fell in love, things dint matter people did, prices dint matter emotions did, each and everything in my life took a toll, every dream every aim every ambition of mine started taking a toll! I started bending them, I started changing in the vortex of emotions I got dragged down and the changes started bothering me soon! If I weren’t materialistic in first place I would’ve thought of extreme steps by now, (Read through my older posts and laugh your ass off on my crazy love story, you would cry if you are emotional one. My life is a joke and i would rather laugh at it than cry about it) but I barely got into deep shit and I barely had to take time to recover! I would be lying if I said I did not cry! I did twice OK! more than twice! Ranting it online drinking some coffee and I was out of it!

I was and am back on track trying to achieve bigger, trying to set goals! Reestablishing aims,choosing the right course, taking the right path, more importantly taking risks and being care free.

That’s called having balls made of steel not having to worry there’s someone waiting to suck on em!

I have realised love is blind and falling for someone who is totally inappropriate to you, for who you are; is inevitable! (At least once u totally do) If you get yourself out it’s the best thing that can happen if not be prepared to live a life you do not want/deserve!

Aiming for higher grades,higher pay,higher lifestyle,better brands to wear,better cars to drive,going better places to holiday,being who you and someone hopefully appreciating that and loving you for it and aiming higher alongside you is the only thing which can truly put you in a pursuit of happiness where you have a chance to finish or at least get closer to the finish line!

Still disagree…? (If yes ooooh we got a rich ass here marry me? )

Few years down the line when your college mates or colleagues when have a fancy car and you don’t, while your girl just mentions about it just in casual talk and then when it hits you hard you will realise….. Even then if you don’t seriously

have higher aims, stop settling for crumbles of bread!

The hurt locker!

 You love playing with that. You love playing with all your stuffed animals. You love your Mommy, your Daddy. You love your pajamas. You love everything, don’t ya? Yea. But you know what, buddy? As you get older, some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore. Like your Jack-in-a-Box. Maybe you’ll realize it’s just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal. And then you forget the few things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it’s only one or two things. With me, I think it’s one.

 

The statement above was just a mere statement, now it’s not! The words play in front of me each of it look like they’ve been weighed and put into a phrase to hit right where it hurts! Oh yes heart! The void space  which has been created, oh yes! I have moved from a man having an organ which pumps up blood, to a man who believes in a those hearts which have two crescents joined, two flamingoes in a pond as the sun goes down in the background! Oh yes I’ve turned into a love bitten bug!

How’d it all start…?

I ask myself this and I realise there is a lot of things i went through! There is lot, there is a reason i stopped believing in it all! I was almost impossible to get, I was almost insulated from the world of love! There was love for materialistic things only, when and why….? Was is scared to try…? Really..?

I was scared to fail, again and again!

On the verge of failing again but winning…..

First crush in first grade, getting inspired by the bollywood movie,writing I love you on the last sheets of your beloved notebook,keeping the chocolate she gives you and savouring it for days, thinking about her smell! OMG! I wasn’t like a first grade student was I? But,yes i was in love i guess so….. So..? what happened..? Mum check my book gets to know and warns me not to get into all this “SHIT” and be a good guy! I was scared and literally shat in my pants and gave upon the idea for years to come! Avoiding eye contact,avoiding girls and then a few years down the lane in grade 8 I fall again!

Could’ve done about it,could’ve had all that i dreamt off,could’ve at least let her know…… But the kid inside having an ego an attitude too agile to be played with was on its rage and a few months it passed over and then I fell again in grade 9!

What’d I do…? Went to her made her know i’m a nice guy, she always knew I was! No I hadn’t grown the balls to ask em out directly, I hinted and I am sure she got the hint too and i thought she used to hint me back too until few years down the line she called me irritating back then and went round my back to date an asshole who was supposedly my best friend! She backstabbed it was understandable I wasn’t exactly the hotties of the school! But what my friend or the so called friend did was just unacceptable! I cut off not only from the womenly part of the human race but the men part too!

By now I should’ve been hurt…..

I was maybe! I was just not accepting it! I had my egos above all! I wasn’t ready to surrender, I still am not! But have met have met the stage of acceptance and hence you are seeing these stories!

Few years I had total cut off from everyone,acted like an asshole cos i was portrayed as one! I wasn’t but people around me were, I couldn’t go down to their level but now they were dragging me, resistance helped and i survived!

Until recently where I am in deep love and I am gonna get hurt, a 100 kilos of IED’s gonna blow in my face! The truth is I am waiting for it,waiting to be blowed down and no this time I am not gonna be another locker of hurts, no…..

will be unlocking the hurt locker……

The giving!

Whole world is a sexist place to be in…. Trust me!

 

What is this all about..? Why ‘giving’ and the world being a ‘sexist’ what connection it has…..?

Well, look around you! Yes, time has changed but the way evolution took place, and the way things are around my country a male dominating one! I am sure you can clearly see along with the evolution taking place it became evident men are the providers!

Okay, calm down before you start raging your thoughts of women being independent and women putting up better than a million use less piece of creature having the thing between legs and that’s all they care about, re think! Yes, re-think! The creatures with the thing in-between are responsible for a lot of things but the good one’s usually go unnoticed! For a simple fact that it is expected out of them to do stuff and provide!

I still i was a lion in the savannahs, where my lil fiery princess would go mull down an animal or two working up some brilliant strategies, while i do the eating and the mating! No shame in it, it’s every man’s dream but our pride and a little self respect restricts us to be so ! Few weeks or months on the couch and I am sure our manhood will rise up and make us want to do something ! You, might give me more than enough examples proving otherwise, but those men would have tried I’m sure and would have given up cos how much ever they could manage it wasn’t enough!

Like adding a bucket to the ocean….

No matter what men do, they are always wrong!

Oscar wilde quote

“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.”

Well, he can’t be any more right! What we men feel what we men have it’s all over the damn face! One has to go through a half a dozen of layers to reach a women’s face and if you can make it there just wait until she drops bombs over bombs until you forget what you knew her for and loved her for in the first place!

Smile and flirt….

Flowers,coffee,pick-ups,drops you name it and they get it all! Even a whole fucking kingdom! That’s all it takes for a women,practically if you look into history whores became pirates and queens ! All about power,

A few go down with the smile, for those who don’t, they go down….

and things from there start getting easier,it’s all women’s way then!

A guy has to have all that a guy can dream of and also what a girl can dream off, he puts his dreams aside and tries making her’s into their’s by then a part of his dies and she goes on to say U HAVE FUCKING CHANGED U ARE’NT THE MAN I LOVED! 

So, guys never compromise,never! I am saying this to save your relationship in the long run,even if we do give up things eventually don’t let her know! Don’t show off cos in the end she would say she din’t ask for and that’s the most fucking pissing off thing you can hear from the love of your’s!

Toil hard and smart, put up a face like you give a flying fuck to the world, act like everything is cool,build your dreams, buy a car, a mansion or buy a fucking yacht, someone will just walk into your life give a smile an intense look into your eyes and boom! We are sadly programmed that way and no, I am not thankful to god for it.

I have given out more than what i could,will keep giving as much as i can, there shall come a point when I give up and then you call me an asshole, for all the sacrifices,

All I do,yes i know you did not ask for,but you did expect and expecting is asking…..

Cos we are “MEN!”

 

Inflict-ations!

Imagine you wake up on a noon and see darkness everywhere,thunders rumbling,rains pattering against the plain window shades as meaningless as your life gets,destruction everywhere…..

I go through this feeling every day, every single day a storm comes hits me and goes away, while i just calm the storm inside me i tame it until it subdues, i hurt myself but i tame it! Making sure i don’t take others down while i myself have been pushed down….

A single NO, a single YES, an ignorance for a few moments, i have reached an island where there is no hope left to live! I survive on daily basis i dunno if there is a tomorrow, if ever there will be a sunshine, if at all there will be someone to rescue me….

I’m getting  black by the day and darker through the nights….

All of this, all of these aren’t actions or feelings of my own! These are reflections, these are ripples of a stone someone throws,i inflict someone else’s feelings like they are of my own!

Brave i am not like people think i am,i do not reveal who i am on a few kilobytes how would they want me to reveal myself in an open real world! World is not for,it’s for the brave, the harsh the selfish soulless creatures,i sometimes wonder have i become one!

Here, i am again watching the windows panes washed down, watching my every move, questioning each of it and asking myself…

If this isn’t love what is…..

The Void Space!

Have you ever felt a deep force at middle of your chest pulling your brains out….

I, personally used to laugh my ass off when someone would say so! But, over a short span of a year or so i have that void put into me a black hole which sucks down everything! Everything you have ever loved seems meaningless you start seeing life in a different angle, you start planning things,you start seeing your future and most of all no matter what you d the void is still there!

How are black holes and mostly ass holes created! Love is a definitely something that changes everything for you!

Eg: look at me i am blogging about deep theory and philosophical love bang shit! rather than games or football or travel!

So by now, you would have figured out i am i love or was in love! A deep void a black hole has been created by a woman i would want to live with for rest of my life! She wants me to promise her the skies and i may end up not even providing a roof over the head and hence,the skies! Expectations shoot through the roof every single move of yours is on tab,you are closely watched by the big brother and god himself combined when there is vicious snake waiting to clasp it’s jaws at you to a little mistake you make and the vicious snake is the girl you feel for, she is not your type neither are you her’s but still you fall, falling and hoping not to be hurt!

Why was this such a complication when you fall for her and she falls for you and you can do whatever it takes to keep her..? Well she is committed to another asshole! Yeah laugh your asses off!

It’s like being in an relationship where she sucks you down emotionally while she sucks the other loser down! Yeah i am the loser but i would call him a loser however! Emotionally getting fucked and physically going to the loo well over many times lets not keep a count have lost it!

After all the BS i go through without being the emotional one, i still feel dragged down, down deep into the pits where no one can come and rescue me, i just gained more respect for people who have been there and still were able to find love again true or not! I could can and might end up just like others, loafing from place to another, spending aimlessly trying to pass time as every single minute your brain wants to think about the person!

You go from one cafe to another,try catching up with all the people you have ever known in your life and people whom you do not give a fuck about at all, there you are trying to fill the void !

Few start drinking, few start on weed, few who are hot enough start on meaningless relationships to get physical high with the rest! No strings attached used to look disgusting and now it makes a lot more sense!

If you find another person who agrees for no strings attached you have a good time, else the guys go on to make fake stories and promises and hurt other people not cos he wants to it’s the void which he’s trying to fill, it’s the void which consumes him, it eats him slowly everyday, day by day!

So, i am not sure!

If, all men are assholes, or they are made into one….

Love of my life!

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

Every day i look for a reason to be happy! A reason to smile! A want to feel loved! A hollowed heart needs to be filled up! A hug can barely repair the damage done! And then there comes the some thing black, something that is bitter, something that a man with his head in right place would never want to fall in love with

Black as night, sweet as sin

How,when,where,why? Don’t ask its just happens as they say love happens!

The aroma of the seed which are roasted, the grinder crunching noises,the oils dripping in and infusing with the pipping hot steamy  water the flavors are on the rise which make you go high!

As the first sip u take trying to soothe your taste buds you realize it is bitter, it is not your cup, it must be a crazy idea to sip onto something so bitter! Add a lot of sugar and gulp it down, you are done with the first cup and a few moments, a few hours, a few days later when you pass by a cafe,a restaurant from all the bouquet of aromas the one aroma that stands out, the one aroma that calls you, whispers into your senses and calls you in, just like a lover asking you to leave all your worries,leave all your tensions, leave all your unwanted materialistic life and just get in there and rob a few moments of life!

And yes there you are in true love with the black nectar which was personally hand picked by the angels from the heaven and planted to perfection by the god himself to ask the human kind to keep sane!

The cup keeps getting bigger, the sugar keeps getting lower, the black cuppa the disgusting black cup of liquid is now the black liquid which heals!

It’s a hug you get!

It’s co-operative,it understands you! Mixes with the harsh hot water or milk or soothes with the cream! It froths along or even puts along your cold stone hearted world to mix along with the ice and cold frappes!

It’s a language in it self,it’s a religion,it’s culture,it’s a way of living,it’s life,it’s love to eternity!

It’s coffee, no it’s not just coffee! It’s life,it’s love! It’s

love of my life!